stuck between the feeling of me and you

running low on prescriptions of how to keep you out of my head. but instead i'm just getting addicted to the feeling of you.
loving how the taste of your name just rolls off. shining that smile that just gets too far in.
remember how i touched your hand and (we) didn't pull away?
close my eyes, wish on thighs and lies.
bat those eyes that get everyone wet. (this only makes sense to me and my left hand)
suicide thoughts with matching kisses on arms and legs::::::scrambling for matches to light the flames====the fame
7 minutes in heaven is better than 4 minutes in heaven. take what you can and leave with what you can take.
i can only stay sick in the head for so long until they find a cure.

the room chokes

as the smell of death rots everyone's noses. The stench of hearts that can no longer beat, the smell of skin that can no longer hold, veins that can no longer pump blood. Now he stands there and looks around at those who wait for death. if only he could save them........

has it ever occurred to you when you will die?

you need to give it all up before you can give it all away. whats the point of giving away something then still missing it?
lost and confused, repeating themes that shouldnt be a surprise
its been years and ages since iv been driven to insomnia by my own madness.
pounding out the insanity until i thought i got it all.
still think i did.......
but who knows, relapsing is what i'm all about, just ask my dogs
starving and bleeding myself to hit rock bottom just to get that feeling back of writing and feeling more like a human.
sitting in corners, sipping on a drink that burns and kills.
running tongue over numb lips, fingering the ashtray.
this is my retirement plan.
saving up to just be a perfect mess.

cant shake old habits

and i'll just blame myself. too much hate to go around, you always end up just hating yourself in the end. fuck watching my life pass me by.

sloppy love

dont let this one get away.....
dirty and damaged. this heart burns to be close to your body. simple and not that confusing.
this is me putting you up onto a pedestal that i should not build.
but oh boy do i love making mistakes. especially when it comes to handling my private life.
like a moth to a flame, say over and over "this is not a good idea" but let the butterflies search for a way out of my stomach.
frozen fingertips, lonely sips, it sure does feel like the appropriate season. the weight on this back matches the weight in my chest. pound for pound that pulls to kiss the ground when i see your face.
i forgot how good pretty smiles can cure all. (think)
dont let this one get away......
but its all bullshit nonsense, an open debate for reason on the floor goes on for hours to days. i can tell just by your eyes that i'm going to be down with my head on the bar.
rather "sin then spend the night all alone"
she makes me feel alive and dead at the same time.

growing up.....

i want to purge and vomit all that is infected with feelings from you. i want to see all of my insides- all black and dark red blood on the floor pumping out last second breaths until all of my mistakes and flaws in character are gone.
sometimes you can never erase the bad that you have done. no matter how hard you try.
but fuck it, im still trying

and now it seems

that my past is starting to catch up with me. all of my mistakes, lies, and bad deals are going to be reaped.
time to burn in the flames...

night by night, day by day

i'm living in the records i love.
i wish you were dead.

always catching myself before i fall

its been awhile since i've wanted an excuse for the abuse. busy feeling sorry for your future cause i 've been reading palms that speak of lost chances and regrets. nights spent looking back as the cluster of night's thoughts keep you awake.
i'm one of jersey's best dancers. and noone can save her.
sleeping trouble sleep and this head wont empty.
baby, arm those words cause their the only shot you got against me, dont pretend cause you know

bitter pills and over medicated nights

that feeling that everything is going wrong fills my head with thoughts of rights and wrongs. and i choose the wrongs. the ones i hope are the right way out but end up just being the selfish ones. It still bothers me to be hung up on the same problems that i had months ago, the same faults that still plague me from years ago. Walking tall thinking i understand life friends and family. i guess i really dont know shit but i'll keep telling myself i do and i'll act accordingly. dont panic, this is just me setting up to say another "fuck you" to whoever crosses my sights. i think i just need to be punched in the face. Keep repeating "i'm invincible" over and over until my legs give in and i burn out. looking out the window all i see are question marks and landmarks that show my territory of mistakes and discoveries from a youth that shouldnt have been as fucked up as i made it. nights are easier to get by when you have wine in one hand, a guitar in the other. numb, happy, everything makes sense. id rather be at school, or anywhere i could just play as hard as possible. and yeah you wanna set things right and ok between us, and they al(ways)l do. guess its not as fun when the bluff is called.
still waiting on the blood to pump in my temples

cause if you really care

than you take the hit. even if it breaks your heart.
are you waiting for your real life to begin? so am i. poised at the edge of the world just tempted to leap and see where i land.
this is a story about feeling bad and feeling better. late night searches and early morning hunts for the feeling of being alive. all the minutes and hours in between are just ticking moments of sucking on air to try to turn this animated corpse into something that isnt too pale. each look telling of other people's lips, and hey; i'm just as guilty. Three smashes of the hammer echo through this room of "guilty, guilty, guilty". and yeah go ahead and bet that things would get better, but i'm too bitter and your too gutless. The charade is over, this disguise is too difficult to hold up. Id rather wait for blood to pump through my head and throb these eyes back into reality.
id rather wish i never heard your voice.
a showcase full of bruised trophies of lessons learned the hard way.

dried up well

of inspiration. of words. the weight of this block around my neck gets heavier everytime i see a pen and paper. everytime i see blank screen. makes me want to see if i can sink to the bottom of the ocean...
what the hell was i ever thinking.....used to care but nowadays its just what gets me by on a 24 hour watch. neither alive or dead. one day i'm a wreck, the next day i'm doing fine. stop flipping the switch in my head before i rip it out and throw it through your window. nothing makes me smile more than thinking about slashing your tires and smashing your windows, pissing on your doorstep (where eagles dare to swallow whole). haha.

and this city sleeps....

and robs everything that you think of at night. its not your friend, its the one who smiles and then scowls the second you turn your back. each minute is given and taken away at the most specific of moments to ruin your chances of taking control of the full potential of the situation. either you win or you lose.

copyright (c) 2008 Dubs

i've been told the good die young. no prisoners, no mercy.
say anything that makes sense for young ears that lead confused heads astray.
fuck you and burn in hell. my room is already reserved

and the clock chimes and the bells ring

time is over done and out. YOU are overdone.
you are too empty and i just feel flawed every time i use you. you bend easier than the rules and you break faster than a little child's heart.
i almost feel bad.
give me anger. give me hate. give me irritability. give me something that shows passion, because every time i see you, you show nothing.
but the fire flashes in those eyes.
bat me those sickly eyes that shower me with a history of conflict. because in this crowded room, its only me and you darling, its only me and you who know of the battles these demons fight.
sing me the baby blues to your emerald greens

the contest to finger fuck her innocence away
its a fight i hate fighting but i just wanna win baby
why cant you see how completely fucked and twisted of a human being i am? not all flash and smoke but all vomit and shit. yeah the machine is broken and old, and its fucking beat to hell but at least sympathize, sympathize because if you don't, then you will end up just like it, broken and alone wishing for a second chance to not become a fuck up of yourself. The last puppy alone in the shelter, the last orphan who sleeps in a room of strangers, the last lonely "used for sale" car in the lot, the last christmas tree that no one wants because it is too fucked up and not perfect enough. never perfect enough, never good enough, only enough to be singled out for the last pick. yeah i fucking hate you and i wish you never looked at me the way you did, but i still dream about how your smile looks at late hours

they take take take cause you give give give

this is me speeding up your breathing
i stare "if i kiss your neck would you....."
she stares "slit your throat"
will you let this hurt? so forget all the looks and all the words, three pair up and high card down, its jealousy thats shining in my smile
her eyes are raccoon underneath the makeup, its so much easier to watch you die all night
for some reason the memory of you always stays, locked up fermented and it stays for days
i dreamed i fell out of the sky thousands of feet in the air, it felt righteous and more alive than how i rot on a daily basis as my head was filled with thoughts of how i'll land on what body part of just how badly will it explode causing a mess no one wants to or should have to clean and oh i cant wish on you anymore when you just let me down and why does the sun always rise at the worst times? never on the other side of town but instead in my goddamn window. in my goddamn window. "I loved the first few days But it's not fun playing a game You always lose"
instead of your lips i think of his
tracing the curves that make your outline
stabbing and taking with every kiss (im so sick and fucking tired of writing about this)

daydreaming into nightmares that involve you and your dress, the way your shirt slides off your shoulders....i'm a mess.

this would be easier if you died

its like looking at a gun that is pointed at your face.
apprehension.
the anxiety of wanting that trigger to just finally be pulled.
she gives headaches and heartaches like its her job. an expert at fucking up your day.
the machines whir and turn until they burn out from exhaustion. do you enjoy killing everyday?
of course you do.
assholes always finish first.

flower kings

and condom queens. one loves to smile the other loves to be mean.
she is what firing squad victims think of before they take that last inhale.
she is how light bulbs feel before they burn out.

you wake up at 630. way too fucking early. grab the clock just to make sure you have another good excuse to be miserable. way to start the day kid

and here starts another life

if you have found this, then i feel sorry for you.
not enough to apologize sincerely.
but enough to show some empathy. either from boredom or severe hunting, you have found this.

dear reader: prepare to be mind fucked.

p.s.-i'm not writing this to touch up on english skills, nor is this shit written for your enjoyment, maybe this is me just jumping on the blogging bandwagon. Fame for me vomiting thoughts on the daily mundane fuckover that is life on this shitty planet full of shitty people.

1244 and all i'm counting are the lights from this city. shining like hopes and dreams, just waiting to become burnt out. ever want to rip out your brain and slam it on the table and just yell at it, "why are you so fucking crazy?!"
everyday.
hang all of your flaws out to dry so you can study them and fix them. but fuck being perfect, and fuck being fairy tale happy.
what ever happened to the beauty.....before she traded it in for bad memories.

yes i could rant day in and day out about how you all suck at life and how none of you are ready or good enough, just because we are not born ready or good enough. about how i believe that humans are inherently evil and selfish, and how nobody acts their age.
but i barely follow what i preach, so i cant go down that road.
i could rant all night about heartbreak and happiness and all that matters is love and blahblahblah. how she broke my little heart and now i'm hurt over it.
but i write enough about that bullshit in other places.
so i guess i'm just saying, enjoy whatever shit i end up finding to say on this blog.

if you even care to read every battered word i type.