with all the words you say

its between the smiles and the blank stares that it exists
that small feeling of everything and nothing at the same time
the slender looks and the dirty things that i feel when i look at you.
its a catalyst for the end(ing).
constantly in chaos
in terror
in confusion
this feeling is nothing more but a packaged over the counter pill that i take every day
one in the morning
one in the evening
just to keep this running strong, even if i dont like it- just because its familiar
forgot where to plug back in
reconnect
restart
reconnect
restart
never get past point C, just repeat and fumble at B
it would be so much easier to spill it all over the walkway
all over the road
just to get it all out.
violent nights with too much alcohol
punches that bruise and break everything including me
i'm at war with myself and i am losing.

been due for a miracle

i just want to empty everything
i tire of the hate
the emptiness
the want/ need to quench my thirst for revenge
of all the annoying little quirks that noone does or ever will understand- not even me
These ghosts never leave, and the door is always open for the demons of my past
no matter how hard i try to close it.
this is war- through and through.
keep on going with the pep talks, but i'm still just a slave
keep refilling the jar with rage, hoping that this time it will break (thiscycle)
its in these dark hours of defeat, that i lose sense of purpose and will
that i still cant kill whats inside me
still cant run
still cant hide
they always find me no matter how hard i try
dear doctor: please operate and take it all out
The black, the vile, the filth
theres too much and i dont know what to do with it
i am pathedic and weak, and i want you to know this but not know this at the same time.
maybe i am bipolar.....
but regardless- i'm too stubborn to find the cure
would rather burn away in ignorance in hopes that someone saves me
too proud to beg
too stupid to ask for help
why are you always right?
this head is filled with tangled webs
and i lay awake hoping that my eyes fall out
along with my brain
my mind
my thoughts
my soul.
would rather find another to start over
"Wish i could hate you half as much as i hate myself"
never been more the truth
with a side of "wish you died tonight, so i could go to sleep happy"
i want nothing more from this life than to end it.

About to burst at the seams

and i just want to be caught and not let splattered on the floor
can't repair myself with broken pieces- glued and taped for a 6 year old's project
eyes widen
mouth dry
parched lips
goosebumps and butterflies
almost alive for the first time in a while
cash in all my secrets
leave me with an empty pocket or two
decisions decisions.......
almost wished i smoked- lighting and discarding lights like dreams and thoughts
friends/ lovers
just another pack for another 10
smile at that smile
though while fleeting
eyes down
mouth shut
hands in pockets
empty handed
standing
waiting
another minute turns into another hour
oh how the arm of fate swings- up and down with the wind
either have the materials or the motivation
neither both at the same time

And so the page turns

Moved a mountain from the past. only 100 more to go....
feel accomplished but haunted
reliving the past is too tempting to fall back into the ease of what it used to be
one foot in front of another....one foot in front of another.....
thinking of all the wrong thoughts again, just like the past
slothful and broken- its just being easy in more ways than one
its the eyes
its the smile
its all the above
its the warmth of remembering the good times and trying to forget the bad times
hard to think of darkness when your smiling in the sun
rewind to staring outside of windows, foot on gas trying to drive away from the pain
round back to sipping the drink by yourself in the booth
its hard to tell you this/ its hard to say anything at all
fast forward to a different smile
to different eyes
to a different touch that brings on a new season with the same shakes
a new set of lips that taste of maybe better times....
eyes drip with wariness
rest....rest....rest......
it was always better just smiling and laughing around her
left with only whiskey and regrets
sipping away to kill everything inside, toast to the memories
sympathetic glances and pitiful hugs, this rounds on me
i just want to live in this memory forever.

say that there is change in the wind

that there are tides that will come wipe out this plague of monotony and negativity
when the light will pierce the darkness
move clouds and climb mountains-
i cant take it anymore.
i could sit here in kitchens and living rooms with drink in hand
waiting for a miracle to come change the day, flip the pages until it rips
but the road begs to take, grasp with both hands and fucking let it go.
tell all the girls that call after- that the chance came and went
tell all the mistakes that caught up- they deserved the prize after that kind of run
tell all the missed opportunities- they were right and i was wrong
cutting myself to ribbons over time
flesh and bone can only last for so long
i need an escape.
i need to escape.
fell in love with all the stars in the sky- the night took me in
its so hard to tell you this- its all (sad but) true
instead i am forced to open these eyes and endure another day of missed opportunities and mistakes
we can only float for so long.

returning of the storm

an extended hand that shoots out of the waves.
desperate and pale- reaching for anything for hope
right hand holding a knife underwater......
if i'm going down, i'm taking you with me...
"if i can't live happy, i'm taking you with me...."
forgotten but not forgiven for once
funny how it all works out in the end
funny how just a few words can puncture a hole
funny how i still feel like this
funny that these feelings can still surface
i've fucked up and wronged too many times to trust the same hand with the same plea
but i still question every move i make...
this all leads to anger and hate- a cycle i'm tired of repeating
repeating repeater: "pull the trigger and the nightmare stops"

fuck you for making me into this monster.

thin lines and white lies

bones that are too brittle and weak.
holding your face makes me realize that you are just as fragile as the next.
standing alone- strong and silent but broken
late night drives into light poles and ditches
this doesnt get any easier

couldnt be fancy in black and white if i tried

push the noise up to 10. i want to feel the pulse beat through my skull and pound these thoughts to a smashed piece of broken bad art.
its like holding onto a 20 and betting 40. pressing repeat just to hear the intro over and over.
never move on to the chorus....
always had more talent at playing dead than potential at being alive
its like realizing summer is over in two days, or realizing that i like how you smile and laugh.
the verse sounds how you move, how you walk to pick up the pieces of my life that is scattered over the road
is this real? or is it just to pass the time.....
like a mechanical arm, drink drink drink....
its just too easy to die inside
been feeling more and more like a worn piece of wood than a classy piece
waiting to see how distance wears this down
is it actually loneliness?
is it boredom?
is it actually compassion?
that feeling of when our mouths do things they shouldnt
whether it be word or kiss
pushing good or bad intentions past the lips
its always before and after vs the what ifs
these moments, its always these moments when i realize that you are more than just a time occupier- you are what makes the song shine so bright
what makes the strings dance and pull and eventually break
if only i could be new again, this slate is dirty and needs to be replaced
kind of wish noone remembered me
kind of wish i could turn the self hate off
kind of wish that i didn't kind of wish so much
you would think control would come with age.
the first step is always admitting the problem.......

this burn is getting too familiar

stare across the room-
if only i could kill with a glance.....
i would become the world's greatest killer. put ted bundy to shame.
jack the ripper would look like a warm up compared to me.
they would call me the population control device.
wearing my heart on my sleeve is out of fashion, just a show of poor taste
slowly learning how things were/are after the reset button is pressed
keep pushing it until the problem goes away.
but it doesnt.
the shared glances that both people understand but dont want to
like being a survivor of the Holocaust, only you get it but why would you want to? price is too high
still trying to empty the baggage, all ports still closed

if you could just understand

for some reason the night goes on and never ends
just getting more desperate by the minute
its an ugly truth
trying to be better but its like retaking tests until you score high enough to be ok with it
almost want to hear you say something sweet so i can get by.....
- already know the scene that road leads to.
every path is dark and covered with growth, kind of foreboding but only in the worst way

The time has come

the dawn brings realization of how to win the war.
starting to think that i do it for the thrills, not for an actual positive outcome, been down and out enough to finally see through it all. Your just a postcard away but in reality there is no way to reach you.
cut myself open and spill myself inside out for you to see the truth.
panic.
this race is getting older than nascar left turns on a lazy saturday
calm and content, calmly losing control...
eyes burnt out and coated with dust and dirt, the grime from the endless nights that never relinquish enough escapism in sleep.
say that we are never alone, but you know its not true before you even say it.
just craze and start slicing ribbons off of your wrists- speed up the process.
holding onto grudges tighter than lovers
if only you weren't so predictable.
put it onto slow motion while i fall from the sky
she smiles as if she understands
she looks as if we are on the same page
we will never coexist peacefully
lions and tigers in cages- only a little bit more civilized
still searching for all that i lost- lost and found is nowhere to be seen
hunting for the treasure chest.......
this map is old and tattered and hard to read

where disappointment and regret collide....

its just a timeline.
another mark on the clock till we run out of breath and willpower, we die and rot until its just marrow and dirt. eternal peace.
i hope they dont keep records in the afterlife.
i hope they dont keep records in my current life.
silence me forever more, the distance between me and the rest of the world is enough to make me dive off of cliffs and waterfalls to try to capture that feeling of everything and nothing at the same time.
you would think being close to someone else would remedy this, but it only makes you realize that you are eternally fucked and screwed.
you can pretend to get it but you dont. you wont.
put me in a room with stars for ceilings and oceans for floors, green mountains and hills for walls and perfect crisp air to breath. watch me lose myself in myself.
360 degrees of eternal bliss, you say dont worry but truthfully i just want to sleep forever. never lost that want to just be disconnected, never plugged in to begin with.
eternally happy, eternally forgotten, eternally lost.
rewind the clock to ten years ago.
make the right choices. life the right life. be better than now.
instead i'm slurring begs and pleas to come back with me, stay with me and let me smell that familiar smell i miss so much but refuse to acknowledge because i'm too stubborn and proud (less) to admit.
love enough to let go.
care enough to not be selfish.
think outside the box.
the numbness from the beer, the burn of the whiskey, the elation from the wine-
search for an escape, bu the light only leads to another tunnel.
never the exit.
fall for the shimmering water and trees one too many times.
try to type, try to bleed, try to sweat, try to cry yourself out of this, but you just tire everyone of yourself.
the truth of the story ending- no longer easy on eyes, no longer easy on eyes, no longer easy on hearts.
turn me away to darkness. this is a bargaining chip and a plea at the same time.
save me from myself.
keep me from the masses. let me live in those moments of hollywood kisses and romantic music scenes.
despite everything from the sun to the moon, the smiles to the tears, my face to the mirror. survive on the gasps of emotion.
starve, starve, starving.....
there is no cure. there is no solution. this is a never ending problem that no professional can solve.
just let the cancer run its course, eat away your insides.

wide eyed, open mouthed

wishing on broken stars
falling from the sky as they fall apart in front of my very eyes
this is not constructive behavior.

closed eyes

squeeze hard enough to block out the truth.
the truth that no matter how hard you try, people will still fail you.
you will be let down.
(this is not a pick me up)
the enduring hours that take up minutes of precious hope and optimism, nobody really gets it.
too bad we cant all just admit we are similarly confused.
there is no end in sight to this race that does not end until our legs are turned into mushy pulps of bones and flesh. the grueling existence of trying to live life in the moments worth keeping.
live in a past that is spotted with glimmers of sunlight.
live in a world that is going to boil us to death. slowly getting hotter until before we know it, our brains explode in our skulls.

this was all written long ago

these eyes that drip sleep and crust with dreams.
tracing the veins up legs and down arms.
smooth backs and smoother lips.
this is the moment when you realize its not love, its familiarity.
the smell of her hair that sticks to pillows, the smile in the voice, the holding of hands, the laugh on the other end-
call it love. call it a soul mate. call it a best friend.
but its familiarity.
what if the pretense of the romantic relationship was cut out, and it was just the connection of mind and body?
stare hard enough at her skin to realize its just like yours. just as damaged, used, and wanting of a warm body next to it.
dear reader: find me.

mistakes

are all that i can think of. No matter how bright the sun glows in our faces, its the stumbles, trips, falls, and ultimately you i hurt. But at this point i think you have been hurt by me so many times, you dont even feel it.
i think that i-
i know that i want to know that you still cry at night. hopefully because of me.
While you lay there, thinking of your day so your thoughts dont drift down....
every time your stomach knots, i hope its because of me.
every time you ache, i hope its because of me.
i am the scar that never fully healed.
I am the scab that left a mark.
i am the bile and acid that brews inside until you spew it out in hopes to empty it all.
(i say this because i know it all. i know i am)
it was, and always will be a love hate relationship with me and myself. with me and you. with me and this.
there are no surprises here.
maybe if i stare deep enough, i can see how dirty you really are. see past the smile, the eyes, everything that makes you irresistible.
The results should justify me wanting to fuck you and leave you in a used dirty heap.
maybe its bipolar disorder.
maybe its depression.
maybe its anger issues.
maybe its living life.
I miss the old familiarity. I miss the comfort of that happy smile.
but all it takes is a few bad thoughts, a few bad memories and its all gone into ugly dark corners.
where morals get stripped away, and we just do what we want and can to get out alive.
Its so hard to go at it alone.
if i could hold those memories maybe i wouldnt even bother.
its the same predicament as opening pandora's box.
i want to skip over the past, and all the shitty things i have done. but i dont know how.
hang my soul out to dry.
please tell me you understand.
please tell me you can make sense out of all this.

no matter how hard you try

hitting rock bottom is never as satisfying as it should be.
losing it all is never as satisfying as it should be.
killing my insides so i can try to get rid of these feelings is never as satisfying as it should be.
killing my outside so i can finally see the monster i am underneath is never as satisfying as it should be.



.

Awaiting execution at dawn

He knows it is coming.
The bullet. The axe. The noose. The electrical currents. The surging poison in his veins.
And everything is out of his control. There is nothing he can say or do to stop the end.
Conclusions aren't always for the better.
No amount of tears can stop the verdict. No pleading, no mercy.
Wishing to not give up while at the same time realizing that resistance is pointless, he quietly asks for a smoke (he hates smoking) probably just for the cliche.
He asks for a beer.
Sitting on the floor with a smoke in one hand, a beer in the other, he stares out into space.
left side: end it now
right side: maybe living is worth it
being hopelessly adrift among his thoughts, it was all going to hell.
he knows it is coming
maybe it won't be painful. like all the people in the world, all the broken toys that just keep trying to have someone play with them.
mouths and legs and hands and shoulders and backs- sale 50% off.
finding company only with late nights and one's insanity.
ever feel dead but still alive?

couldnt break through the concrete

while the city still pounded out clouds of inspiration stealing smog. its a matter of walking through dreams and living them.
its in this moment when you know that all you want is the vile and filth. the dirty part of the love.
tossing and turning in sheets that dont smell of you.
its really just a waste.
her eyes so big and lips that beg to kiss
i wish i had the skills to collect
tried to write out my love, instead i made a mess.
love and lust come from the same hormones- they really are just the same thing
sitting here in the dark, its my move that takes me where i shouldn't go
the ball is in my court and i have no coordination
buy one lie and get the deluxe triple set for free- a 40$ value for free
keep my eyes closed as we crash with me in the passenger seat
feel the cool sand shift as i stare out at the dark black sea
blackening everything the night sky can offer, look to the stars and wish as they fade
choke on how you look when my hope looks so bleak
i'm tired of hanging on each and every word you speak

wasted 20 to fill the crazy

chasing my tail in circles gets old fast.
air pressure closing off the blood to your ears as the throbbing pain just gets bigger and bigger. sing about clarity and the secret to life but really its just a whole bunch of what ifs and could haves.
dreams sink faster than you think.
little pills that cant promise enough, half empty bottles that cant last long enough, smokes that burn out faster than hopes and dreams. need more proof? time goes by but really its just life