mistakes

are all that i can think of. No matter how bright the sun glows in our faces, its the stumbles, trips, falls, and ultimately you i hurt. But at this point i think you have been hurt by me so many times, you dont even feel it.
i think that i-
i know that i want to know that you still cry at night. hopefully because of me.
While you lay there, thinking of your day so your thoughts dont drift down....
every time your stomach knots, i hope its because of me.
every time you ache, i hope its because of me.
i am the scar that never fully healed.
I am the scab that left a mark.
i am the bile and acid that brews inside until you spew it out in hopes to empty it all.
(i say this because i know it all. i know i am)
it was, and always will be a love hate relationship with me and myself. with me and you. with me and this.
there are no surprises here.
maybe if i stare deep enough, i can see how dirty you really are. see past the smile, the eyes, everything that makes you irresistible.
The results should justify me wanting to fuck you and leave you in a used dirty heap.
maybe its bipolar disorder.
maybe its depression.
maybe its anger issues.
maybe its living life.
I miss the old familiarity. I miss the comfort of that happy smile.
but all it takes is a few bad thoughts, a few bad memories and its all gone into ugly dark corners.
where morals get stripped away, and we just do what we want and can to get out alive.
Its so hard to go at it alone.
if i could hold those memories maybe i wouldnt even bother.
its the same predicament as opening pandora's box.
i want to skip over the past, and all the shitty things i have done. but i dont know how.
hang my soul out to dry.
please tell me you understand.
please tell me you can make sense out of all this.