with all the words you say

its between the smiles and the blank stares that it exists
that small feeling of everything and nothing at the same time
the slender looks and the dirty things that i feel when i look at you.
its a catalyst for the end(ing).
constantly in chaos
in terror
in confusion
this feeling is nothing more but a packaged over the counter pill that i take every day
one in the morning
one in the evening
just to keep this running strong, even if i dont like it- just because its familiar
forgot where to plug back in
reconnect
restart
reconnect
restart
never get past point C, just repeat and fumble at B
it would be so much easier to spill it all over the walkway
all over the road
just to get it all out.
violent nights with too much alcohol
punches that bruise and break everything including me
i'm at war with myself and i am losing.

been due for a miracle

i just want to empty everything
i tire of the hate
the emptiness
the want/ need to quench my thirst for revenge
of all the annoying little quirks that noone does or ever will understand- not even me
These ghosts never leave, and the door is always open for the demons of my past
no matter how hard i try to close it.
this is war- through and through.
keep on going with the pep talks, but i'm still just a slave
keep refilling the jar with rage, hoping that this time it will break (thiscycle)
its in these dark hours of defeat, that i lose sense of purpose and will
that i still cant kill whats inside me
still cant run
still cant hide
they always find me no matter how hard i try
dear doctor: please operate and take it all out
The black, the vile, the filth
theres too much and i dont know what to do with it
i am pathedic and weak, and i want you to know this but not know this at the same time.
maybe i am bipolar.....
but regardless- i'm too stubborn to find the cure
would rather burn away in ignorance in hopes that someone saves me
too proud to beg
too stupid to ask for help
why are you always right?
this head is filled with tangled webs
and i lay awake hoping that my eyes fall out
along with my brain
my mind
my thoughts
my soul.
would rather find another to start over
"Wish i could hate you half as much as i hate myself"
never been more the truth
with a side of "wish you died tonight, so i could go to sleep happy"
i want nothing more from this life than to end it.