where disappointment and regret collide....

its just a timeline.
another mark on the clock till we run out of breath and willpower, we die and rot until its just marrow and dirt. eternal peace.
i hope they dont keep records in the afterlife.
i hope they dont keep records in my current life.
silence me forever more, the distance between me and the rest of the world is enough to make me dive off of cliffs and waterfalls to try to capture that feeling of everything and nothing at the same time.
you would think being close to someone else would remedy this, but it only makes you realize that you are eternally fucked and screwed.
you can pretend to get it but you dont. you wont.
put me in a room with stars for ceilings and oceans for floors, green mountains and hills for walls and perfect crisp air to breath. watch me lose myself in myself.
360 degrees of eternal bliss, you say dont worry but truthfully i just want to sleep forever. never lost that want to just be disconnected, never plugged in to begin with.
eternally happy, eternally forgotten, eternally lost.
rewind the clock to ten years ago.
make the right choices. life the right life. be better than now.
instead i'm slurring begs and pleas to come back with me, stay with me and let me smell that familiar smell i miss so much but refuse to acknowledge because i'm too stubborn and proud (less) to admit.
love enough to let go.
care enough to not be selfish.
think outside the box.
the numbness from the beer, the burn of the whiskey, the elation from the wine-
search for an escape, bu the light only leads to another tunnel.
never the exit.
fall for the shimmering water and trees one too many times.
try to type, try to bleed, try to sweat, try to cry yourself out of this, but you just tire everyone of yourself.
the truth of the story ending- no longer easy on eyes, no longer easy on eyes, no longer easy on hearts.
turn me away to darkness. this is a bargaining chip and a plea at the same time.
save me from myself.
keep me from the masses. let me live in those moments of hollywood kisses and romantic music scenes.
despite everything from the sun to the moon, the smiles to the tears, my face to the mirror. survive on the gasps of emotion.
starve, starve, starving.....
there is no cure. there is no solution. this is a never ending problem that no professional can solve.
just let the cancer run its course, eat away your insides.

wide eyed, open mouthed

wishing on broken stars
falling from the sky as they fall apart in front of my very eyes
this is not constructive behavior.