a very potter christmas

we all hunger for a story

of gold and hope

of despair and tragedy

a story that somehow always ends up happy

empty but full

smiles but tears

where good conquers all

if i wasnt such a complicated mess

would that change the stars that i hope you see in your sky as i see in mine?

peering through eyes

clouded by age and anger

bags of sadness weigh down lids

and rings of smoke circle the dim light of life

keep them closed to the pins and needles

and the empty seats

and quiet nights

its whiskey soaked words that slip into ears

worming to cores

pure at once but about to become rotten

this life is a cryptic story

phrasebooks fail to help saying why i get shivers

just because i dont know the answers

to everything

to anything.

water and snow and ice

its so much easier to hate

put you on a pedestal and yell for a hanging

aiming my arrows and not thinking twice

not realizing i was falling in love

if that is even what you could call it

this feeling of killing and loving you at the same time

the ultimate love/hate relationship

the birds are singing such sweet songs

but the churches stay only half full

you stare through half lovers

and i hope these eyes can burn your soul

empty

i am out of love and time

stuck in the past of me and you

this was never over

as i solemnly drink and sing the blues

hoping someone listens and sings along

singing out of windows kept down

chasing green lights at midnight through this town

i wished on my favorite songs that you think of me

more like a lover and less like a friend

at the best we can be enemies till the end

wonder hunger

i am a stranger to your world

please explain to me what this all means

i knock on your doors

but you never answer

lights are on

and sounds drift out

but knocks go unanswered

so you say you dont love him anymore

so why does he still cling to your arm

hands on hips

necks to lips

i guess his love is stronger than yours

its sharp looks that only cut you and me

blood spills that only you and i can see

staining our shoes, bloody footprints as you leave

glass smiles for (the) drives that go long miles

guts

love is cheap

love is vile

love is dirty

love is violence

love is good.

you

its been a long time

since i let myself care about you

the smile and touch

to be honest i dont see the point

sleeping closer to the blade never helped me sleep

but i want you

in ways i dont know

touching holes in your back trying to be discreet

you can only play so much with fire before you lose control

while i bite back words of not wanting you to leave

these cold nights and lonely mornings softly speak

of how you went on to keep on loving

no success

but until then i hold on

fight and struggle

for peace and love

for things i cant describe

for things i dont know

for that thing that keeps the lights burning

the fire warm

been punching brick walls

with no success

gleaming

We shake our heads no as we mouth yes

lips always betraying

our fears remaining out of breath

all our pockets are short of heart

giving you layers of my soul

shes giving layers of her skin

as the cutting room floor is knee deep in our clothes

shoulders cut by angels and demons

for the power or love we will

praying in pews

weighing forgiveness and sins

we all hate our jobs

my clarity is fading fast

wondering what i suffer for

these screams were meant to echo through hills

not halls

spread my arms and let the wind guide me

through clouds and wars i have to fight alone

new set of normal ways to live this life

you can all stay frozen and watch me pass

i will die searching for the way to live

for the way to love

i may have been left behind

but i will catch (you)p

dont touch

i am a rusted wheel running myself over

bruised knuckles

they all sneak glances through the tears in your clothes

piercing through skin dying to touch your soul

selfish gulps from a sacred river

no man could ever hope to understand

and i sit and watch

as the hunt and search game plays every day

weak minds turn easy lies to friendly nights

reading the lines that lead into unhappy brides

behind these doors i search for something reminding of better times

photographs of easier lives

sunday church

the pews can fill with the hurt

holding their bleeding hearts to the air

death cab for you and me

we sat on the curb

as night turned into morning

making a living by talking of the killings of our loves

the crickets sang and the stars burned

and i waited for moonlight to kiss (you)

hoping to meet you in your (bed)room

but the truth was we never knew what to do

time flew but the night stayed strong for us

the gods dont wait for permission

to take fate and make careless moves

so we spoke soft

and hoped for sparks

but these holes are too deep

graves already marked

coffins already placed

if only we knew how to love

calls too late

This compass spins with no north

a dream you cant wake from

this ship circles in the fog

and everything slowly turns into fear

nights are cold and long

frantically searching for light

as these eyes stay open searching

there is no reason why i end up this way

hunting and running with my ghosts

help me close my eyes in these weary times

sinking boats floating home

On these english lands i watch the forest flood with love

on these irish streets i see the roads drown in love

on these scottish hills i hear the songs of love

on these french streets i see the lights of love

on these german mountains i taste the fruits of love

on the soil i call home

i pour water on dying plants

in hopes it is enuogh to save them

withered grounds and harsh winds

i ran until i watched the sky kiss the ocean

overcast clouds parted for the romance to swim

from distant seas to the grass that grazes my skin

empty pockets of luck

nothing but crumbled maps that cant be read

you looked at me and no words need be said

"im tired of you" rang true from one ear to the other

say it now

these mirrors taunt me

reminding me of what i am

despite my words that fight otherwise

im drinking water from a dry river

as everything i know is not what they believe

the monster who is misunderstood

or maybe not....

this beast doesnt hunt and kill for joy like you think

this monster needs to survive somehow

or at least thats what he keeps repeating to himself

i didn't understand

I've spent lifetimes learning how to hate

how to force love out of my life

repeating that this is alright

but now i know

but now i learned

this hole in my heart i tore

is not what i need

i tire of sailing this void

but this is what happens when my love turns into hate

and now this head pounds to a different beat

these eyes pulse to a new clock

veins full of something new and foreign

yet i keep in mind a monster still stares back in the mirror

and now i breath cleaner air from greener lands

this soul is trying to believe

i dont care

these drinks help me settle

apologies

i never felt it

the normal

the right

the way its supposed to be

i tear at walls and smiling faces just to try to show that no-

i dont get it

i dont understand

i'm sorry but i have to destroy you in order to show you

in order to understand

this chaos may never cease

and i may never see or be able

but please believe this begging plea of how this heart tries to be pure

tries to shine

despite the outcome

despite the methods

it tries to shine in all the darkest of places

sometimes getting through

but really- just being misread in a different language.

and so i sat at the alter of my coffin

with steady breaths and staggered prayers

we all wish for some kind of a savior

really i just hope i'm known after i'm gone

not in a flash on(ly) way

more like broken hearts and streets paved with bloody words

the road to redemption was always uphill

never across the horizon

it was never said it would be easy

to move on

how much is left?

before i fall apart

disappear and run away

from all of the things that make me fear

the ghosts and butterflies of wanting you to stay the night

cause these sheets stay cold without you here

and it was never easy to close these eyes....

this body remains in pieces

holes riddled through both torso and limbs

past a classic case of wounds and broken bones

i was told "follow you heart"

but all i found were dead ends

empty streets with broken mailboxes

wrong addresses for hearts returned to sender

so i sit at these crossroads

with wounds that refuse to heal

as my life changes on a rolling wheel

running myself over

will you believe in anything again?

i realize that the weights don't get lighter

and the gas tanks run out of air

and i can laugh all i want how i don't care

i have already ended up where i dont want to end

hey mr heartbeat

throwing punches at walls

and kicking doors down for rooms that lead nowhere

mr heartbeat you're not being very unique

and i'm pretty sure that this is a sign

you don't know how to worship love

sometimes i just want to leave this all

and haunt palm trees and open waters

but this wind chill scrapes the top of my lungs

and i realize i can't blame these problems

on you or me anymore

throw me back into the sea and hope for your stars to blink an answer

yet its too late and im already old songs

someone like you...

hello ghosts.

this is a letter from me to you

from a place i can't describe to a place i can't reach

i'm old and rusted

laying in my grave drifting off to sleep

(express elevator to hell)

locked up your voice in a jar

i don't know what i need

stealing smiles and laughs

a con artist at getting by in life

looking down and every time its something i don't want to see

staring at the water and thinking of falling in

its a long fall but i'll show this town how to live

in style, out style

die in, die out

i'll prove what it means to not hide

from ghosts or my haunted grounds

driving on flat tires down broken roads

we were born today

the skies opened

and dropped their love and hate

we opened our hands and arms and mouths

to catch every last drop

there was no sun to see

but light could still be seen

and we caught as much as we could

as it filled all of our voids and holes

we thought we were finally full

but it turns out we were standing in sinking boats

the rhythms of water eating our bodies

made me want to keep you closer

please stay closer.

i am a tourist to myself

i am empty

running something past fumes

maybe i'm not moving at all

legs churning and breath is fast

burning in my body and heart

but i stay here

suspended

hanging

tongue and soul wrapped around my throat

looking through the window but wanting to jump out of it

one foot in the grave

one foot in the door

looking at myself and seeing more of myself to lose

open my chest and my head

and pour it all out on plates and books

tell me how it tastes

tell me how it flows

a good read or a bore

help me understand.

when this heart stops ticking:

will you miss walking to the beat?

is there nothing past this smile and eyes

except empty hope for golden coasts

thinking all the time

wishing wrongs into rights

i used to obsess

high pressures and low winds

someone once told me:

dream big.

maybe they knew what it meant

or maybe they didn't

but i know that nobody knows

how to take a step forward

or take a step back

from you or the future

cloudy magic 8 balls

scarred palms to read

someone once told me:

some people just can't make it

maybe they knew what it meant

or maybe they didn't

it could be that they are on their own

or they just dont know how to love

others or themselves

can you exist without that beat to your chest?

someone once told me:

all of this has been said before and said again

too many times to count and too many times to care

lonely souls searching cold nights for something to call a friend

someone once told me:

in this world and the next- in our bodies and yours: we are all tourists.

i am all of the above.

Falling asleep again

Lay down, rest my head

lay down, rest my mind

lay down, rest my soul

the dreams i dreamt are no longer the same

the rivers have dried and the skies are no longer blue

the dirt was dry and the wind was cold

this world i thought i once loved is no longer

the smiles no longer lingered

and the hearts were no longer warm

my dreams have become skeletons of my past

as everything i thought i loved has begun to finally disappear

Maybe this is me waking

to a world that is not what i thought

this stomach turns inside out

as i finally woke with a pounding in my chest

i no longer know what to believe

as my dreams are now my world

please help me wake to the right one

Lead in arms

If only looks could kill

this would be over and done with

instead just wait to go home

i tire of the smoke and tears

the sounds of pain ringing in my ears

instead we all just wait to die alone

Make sure i am delivered

leave a candle lit on my chest when i die

and bury the knife with my blood remaining on the blade

let everything that i believe in never be blown away

history be read into the never forgetting sky

i smile on the inside

the hands continue to turn

and i still wake up and get dressed

and crawl into bed at the end of it all

not much has really changed for me in this cave of my reality

at least when i see you smile i know its genuine

i'm glad you're happy and getting better

throw my wishes at the stars for you to have nothing but better memories

i have no problem being the martyr for you to have longer smiles

pit stomachs

and rock hearts

falling all the time

but hitting bottom only once in a while

for my team

i need more weight on my shoulders

this back wasn't meant for the weak

these legs not made for the ill spirited

let these dreams fly and this heart overcome

we are all flesh and bones

its hard to remember

that past the words

the yells

the hugs

and the smiles

your heart beats like mine

maybe to a different beat

and your lungs fill with air

more or less

and we both burn

from love

in love

from hate

in hate

we are not really strangers

more like tourists

visiting your body with excitement and fear

taking in all the beautiful views

we are both villains

we are both heroes

we are both innocent victims

the burn of a touch

different tastes from different plates but our stomachs always fill

our souls on the other hand..................................................................

some of us don't know how to love

some girls are brushing their hair

some girls are painting their lips

some girls are sleeping alone

and some girls are not

we may not get far

flying circles in the dark reminds me of how i chase my youth

my innocence that i grasp so tightly

the feelings i once had but are now worn down and dull

no longer sharp as they once were at first

time passes and they collect dust

dulled blades and discolored wood

this arm is getting tired of trying to pull down the stars and sky

these legs tired of chasing after what it means to feel alive

i cant close these eyes

not from sleep
not from fatigue
just that urge
that pull from the gut that says "stay the night"
not because my head isn't safe
not because i can't outrun my ghosts
when i decide to lie (or not)
and do my best to keep you here
or there
anywhere that i can at least hear you breath at peace as you sleep
a stage i am not aware of for myself
wishing to rest my own weary head
and these heavy thoughts that anchor my soul
the leaves fall and the winds change
but i stay destructive
with no real intent other than to stay sane
the only way i know how
the only way i can
times past and this heart continues to beat
despite all intent not to
these desperate times bite and chew me
and i am spat onto the side and left to dry
stuck between grime and dirt
wishes stuck between stretched lips
bring me some form of love that i can understand
anything for tonight
maybe my heart can take it
maybe my skin wont break
maybe my heartbeat wont be weak
in the end its really not about you-
its about me
and how i know what i am
the monster that lives under your bed
the demons in the attic
the skeletons in the closet
be everything that you hate- everything you are scared of,
hurt by
and ultimately want to forget.
there won't be any pictures of me to take down
as i lay cold and alone
its dark in these tombs
as i lay with open eyes
open heart
time goes by
and i wish and wish
but in the end nothing changes
and i'm forgotten but not forgiven
last breath wishes
second hand kisses
holding onto my sanity as best as i can
just pour me another
and pat me on the back
and send me off
to the deep.
to the dark.
to the unknown.
where only broken toys and unanswered hopes go.
you may think its all sad-
but its true.

and so she said.....

"i'll come running"
but no footsteps really echoed through my halls
its lies and words that slowly float to the ground
only to be stomped on by both you and me
its hard when you're so cold
young skinned but hate aged so old
jumping between cracks in the street
its the ghosts in my head vs all i know
just another battlefront
constantly leaving
constantly inconsistent
this room doesn't feel like home
and i tire away trying to make myself feel more than nothing
but its all just drunken lullabies
words that are spat and not drawn on empty pages
the clock continues to tick down all the lost chances
and i stare at these feet
as they fail to move in any direction worth going to
destination unknown
ETA unknown
coming in last place has become normal
i don't even realize the pity applause
smiling in disguise
thanking but not really caring or meaning it
this act of living is just me digging until the grave is too deep
just coming undone day after day
struggling to keep this heart beating
this soul feeling
keeping these nights alive