i cant close these eyes

not from sleep
not from fatigue
just that urge
that pull from the gut that says "stay the night"
not because my head isn't safe
not because i can't outrun my ghosts
when i decide to lie (or not)
and do my best to keep you here
or there
anywhere that i can at least hear you breath at peace as you sleep
a stage i am not aware of for myself
wishing to rest my own weary head
and these heavy thoughts that anchor my soul
the leaves fall and the winds change
but i stay destructive
with no real intent other than to stay sane
the only way i know how
the only way i can
times past and this heart continues to beat
despite all intent not to
these desperate times bite and chew me
and i am spat onto the side and left to dry
stuck between grime and dirt
wishes stuck between stretched lips
bring me some form of love that i can understand
anything for tonight
maybe my heart can take it
maybe my skin wont break
maybe my heartbeat wont be weak
in the end its really not about you-
its about me
and how i know what i am
the monster that lives under your bed
the demons in the attic
the skeletons in the closet
be everything that you hate- everything you are scared of,
hurt by
and ultimately want to forget.
there won't be any pictures of me to take down
as i lay cold and alone
its dark in these tombs
as i lay with open eyes
open heart
time goes by
and i wish and wish
but in the end nothing changes
and i'm forgotten but not forgiven
last breath wishes
second hand kisses
holding onto my sanity as best as i can
just pour me another
and pat me on the back
and send me off
to the deep.
to the dark.
to the unknown.
where only broken toys and unanswered hopes go.
you may think its all sad-
but its true.

and so she said.....

"i'll come running"
but no footsteps really echoed through my halls
its lies and words that slowly float to the ground
only to be stomped on by both you and me
its hard when you're so cold
young skinned but hate aged so old
jumping between cracks in the street
its the ghosts in my head vs all i know
just another battlefront
constantly leaving
constantly inconsistent
this room doesn't feel like home
and i tire away trying to make myself feel more than nothing
but its all just drunken lullabies
words that are spat and not drawn on empty pages
the clock continues to tick down all the lost chances
and i stare at these feet
as they fail to move in any direction worth going to
destination unknown
ETA unknown
coming in last place has become normal
i don't even realize the pity applause
smiling in disguise
thanking but not really caring or meaning it
this act of living is just me digging until the grave is too deep
just coming undone day after day
struggling to keep this heart beating
this soul feeling
keeping these nights alive