An honorable mention

a very potter christmas

2011-12-25T12:48:00.000-08:00

we all hunger for a story

of gold and hope

of despair and tragedy

a story that somehow always ends up happy

empty but full

smiles but tears

where good conquers all

if i wasnt such a complicated mess

2011-12-01T22:41:00.000-08:00

would that change the stars that i hope you see in your sky as i see in mine?

peering through eyes

clouded by age and anger

bags of sadness weigh down lids

and rings of smoke circle the dim light of life

keep them closed to the pins and needles

and the empty seats

and quiet nights

its whiskey soaked words that slip into ears

worming to cores

pure at once but about to become rotten

this life is a cryptic story

phrasebooks fail to help saying why i get shivers

just because i dont know the answers

to everything

to anything.

water and snow and ice

2011-10-29T10:03:00.000-07:00

its so much easier to hate

put you on a pedestal and yell for a hanging

aiming my arrows and not thinking twice

not realizing i was falling in love

if that is even what you could call it

this feeling of killing and loving you at the same time

the ultimate love/hate relationship

the birds are singing such sweet songs

but the churches stay only half full

you stare through half lovers

and i hope these eyes can burn your soul

empty

2011-10-29T10:01:00.000-07:00

i am out of love and time

stuck in the past of me and you

this was never over

as i solemnly drink and sing the blues

hoping someone listens and sings along

singing out of windows kept down

chasing green lights at midnight through this town

i wished on my favorite songs that you think of me

more like a lover and less like a friend

at the best we can be enemies till the end

wonder hunger

2011-10-29T10:00:00.001-07:00

i am a stranger to your world

please explain to me what this all means

i knock on your doors

but you never answer

lights are on

and sounds drift out

but knocks go unanswered

so you say you dont love him anymore

so why does he still cling to your arm

hands on hips

necks to lips

i guess his love is stronger than yours

its sharp looks that only cut you and me

blood spills that only you and i can see

staining our shoes, bloody footprints as you leave

glass smiles for (the) drives that go long miles

guts

2011-10-29T09:49:00.000-07:00

love is cheap

love is vile

love is dirty

love is violence

love is good.

you

2011-10-29T09:40:00.000-07:00

its been a long time

since i let myself care about you

the smile and touch

to be honest i dont see the point

sleeping closer to the blade never helped me sleep

but i want you

in ways i dont know

touching holes in your back trying to be discreet

you can only play so much with fire before you lose control

while i bite back words of not wanting you to leave

these cold nights and lonely mornings softly speak

of how you went on to keep on loving

no success

2011-10-29T09:35:00.001-07:00

but until then i hold on

fight and struggle

for peace and love

for things i cant describe

for things i dont know

for that thing that keeps the lights burning

the fire warm

been punching brick walls

with no success

gleaming

2011-10-29T09:33:00.000-07:00

We shake our heads no as we mouth yes

lips always betraying

our fears remaining out of breath

all our pockets are short of heart

giving you layers of my soul

shes giving layers of her skin

as the cutting room floor is knee deep in our clothes

shoulders cut by angels and demons

for the power or love we will

praying in pews

weighing forgiveness and sins

we all hate our jobs

2011-10-29T09:29:00.002-07:00

my clarity is fading fast

wondering what i suffer for

these screams were meant to echo through hills

not halls

spread my arms and let the wind guide me

through clouds and wars i have to fight alone

new set of normal ways to live this life

you can all stay frozen and watch me pass

i will die searching for the way to live

for the way to love

i may have been left behind

but i will catch (you)p

dont touch

2011-10-29T09:29:00.001-07:00

i am a rusted wheel running myself over

bruised knuckles

2011-10-29T09:25:00.002-07:00

they all sneak glances through the tears in your clothes

piercing through skin dying to touch your soul

selfish gulps from a sacred river

no man could ever hope to understand

and i sit and watch

as the hunt and search game plays every day

weak minds turn easy lies to friendly nights

reading the lines that lead into unhappy brides

behind these doors i search for something reminding of better times

photographs of easier lives

sunday church

2011-10-29T09:25:00.001-07:00

the pews can fill with the hurt

holding their bleeding hearts to the air

death cab for you and me

2011-10-29T09:22:00.000-07:00

we sat on the curb

as night turned into morning

making a living by talking of the killings of our loves

the crickets sang and the stars burned

and i waited for moonlight to kiss (you)

hoping to meet you in your (bed)room

but the truth was we never knew what to do

time flew but the night stayed strong for us

the gods dont wait for permission

to take fate and make careless moves

so we spoke soft

and hoped for sparks

but these holes are too deep

graves already marked

coffins already placed

if only we knew how to love

calls too late

2011-10-29T09:19:00.000-07:00

This compass spins with no north

a dream you cant wake from

this ship circles in the fog

and everything slowly turns into fear

nights are cold and long

frantically searching for light

as these eyes stay open searching

there is no reason why i end up this way

hunting and running with my ghosts

help me close my eyes in these weary times

sinking boats floating home

2011-10-29T09:17:00.000-07:00

On these english lands i watch the forest flood with love

on these irish streets i see the roads drown in love

on these scottish hills i hear the songs of love

on these french streets i see the lights of love

on these german mountains i taste the fruits of love

on the soil i call home

i pour water on dying plants

in hopes it is enuogh to save them

withered grounds and harsh winds

i ran until i watched the sky kiss the ocean

overcast clouds parted for the romance to swim

from distant seas to the grass that grazes my skin

empty pockets of luck

nothing but crumbled maps that cant be read

you looked at me and no words need be said

"im tired of you" rang true from one ear to the other

say it now

2011-10-29T09:16:00.001-07:00

these mirrors taunt me

reminding me of what i am

despite my words that fight otherwise

im drinking water from a dry river

as everything i know is not what they believe

the monster who is misunderstood

or maybe not....

this beast doesnt hunt and kill for joy like you think

this monster needs to survive somehow

or at least thats what he keeps repeating to himself

i didn't understand

2011-10-29T08:20:00.000-07:00

I've spent lifetimes learning how to hate

how to force love out of my life

repeating that this is alright

but now i know

but now i learned

this hole in my heart i tore

is not what i need

i tire of sailing this void

but this is what happens when my love turns into hate

and now this head pounds to a different beat

these eyes pulse to a new clock

veins full of something new and foreign

yet i keep in mind a monster still stares back in the mirror

and now i breath cleaner air from greener lands

this soul is trying to believe

i dont care

2011-10-01T23:20:00.000-07:00

these drinks help me settle

apologies

2011-10-01T23:18:00.000-07:00

i never felt it

the normal

the right

the way its supposed to be

i tear at walls and smiling faces just to try to show that no-

i dont get it

i dont understand

i'm sorry but i have to destroy you in order to show you

in order to understand

this chaos may never cease

and i may never see or be able

but please believe this begging plea of how this heart tries to be pure

tries to shine

despite the outcome

despite the methods

it tries to shine in all the darkest of places

sometimes getting through

but really- just being misread in a different language.

and so i sat at the alter of my coffin

2011-09-20T22:33:00.000-07:00

with steady breaths and staggered prayers

we all wish for some kind of a savior

really i just hope i'm known after i'm gone

not in a flash on(ly) way

more like broken hearts and streets paved with bloody words

the road to redemption was always uphill

never across the horizon

it was never said it would be easy

to move on

how much is left?

2011-09-16T23:23:00.001-07:00

before i fall apart

disappear and run away

from all of the things that make me fear

the ghosts and butterflies of wanting you to stay the night

cause these sheets stay cold without you here

and it was never easy to close these eyes....

this body remains in pieces

holes riddled through both torso and limbs

past a classic case of wounds and broken bones

i was told "follow you heart"

but all i found were dead ends

empty streets with broken mailboxes

wrong addresses for hearts returned to sender

so i sit at these crossroads

with wounds that refuse to heal

as my life changes on a rolling wheel

running myself over

will you believe in anything again?

2011-08-15T20:32:00.001-07:00

i realize that the weights don't get lighter

and the gas tanks run out of air

and i can laugh all i want how i don't care

i have already ended up where i dont want to end

2011-08-15T20:24:00.000-07:00

hey mr heartbeat

throwing punches at walls

and kicking doors down for rooms that lead nowhere

mr heartbeat you're not being very unique

and i'm pretty sure that this is a sign

you don't know how to worship love

sometimes i just want to leave this all

and haunt palm trees and open waters

but this wind chill scrapes the top of my lungs

and i realize i can't blame these problems

on you or me anymore

throw me back into the sea and hope for your stars to blink an answer

yet its too late and im already old songs

someone like you...

2011-07-11T21:09:00.001-07:00

hello ghosts.

this is a letter from me to you

from a place i can't describe to a place i can't reach

i'm old and rusted

laying in my grave drifting off to sleep

(express elevator to hell)

locked up your voice in a jar

i don't know what i need

stealing smiles and laughs

a con artist at getting by in life

looking down and every time its something i don't want to see

staring at the water and thinking of falling in

its a long fall but i'll show this town how to live

in style, out style

die in, die out

i'll prove what it means to not hide

from ghosts or my haunted grounds

driving on flat tires down broken roads

we were born today

2011-07-11T20:58:00.000-07:00

the skies opened

and dropped their love and hate

we opened our hands and arms and mouths

to catch every last drop

there was no sun to see

but light could still be seen

and we caught as much as we could

as it filled all of our voids and holes

we thought we were finally full

but it turns out we were standing in sinking boats

the rhythms of water eating our bodies

made me want to keep you closer

please stay closer.

i am a tourist to myself

2011-07-11T20:51:00.000-07:00

i am empty

running something past fumes

maybe i'm not moving at all

legs churning and breath is fast

burning in my body and heart

but i stay here

suspended

hanging

tongue and soul wrapped around my throat

looking through the window but wanting to jump out of it

one foot in the grave

one foot in the door

looking at myself and seeing more of myself to lose

open my chest and my head

and pour it all out on plates and books

tell me how it tastes

tell me how it flows

a good read or a bore

help me understand.

when this heart stops ticking:

will you miss walking to the beat?

is there nothing past this smile and eyes

except empty hope for golden coasts

thinking all the time

2011-07-11T20:43:00.000-07:00

wishing wrongs into rights

i used to obsess

high pressures and low winds

2011-07-11T20:25:00.000-07:00

someone once told me:

dream big.

maybe they knew what it meant

or maybe they didn't

but i know that nobody knows

how to take a step forward

or take a step back

from you or the future

cloudy magic 8 balls

scarred palms to read

someone once told me:

some people just can't make it

maybe they knew what it meant

or maybe they didn't

it could be that they are on their own

or they just dont know how to love

others or themselves

can you exist without that beat to your chest?

someone once told me:

all of this has been said before and said again

too many times to count and too many times to care

lonely souls searching cold nights for something to call a friend

someone once told me:

in this world and the next- in our bodies and yours: we are all tourists.

i am all of the above.

Falling asleep again

2011-07-11T20:02:00.000-07:00

Lay down, rest my head

lay down, rest my mind

lay down, rest my soul

the dreams i dreamt are no longer the same

the rivers have dried and the skies are no longer blue

the dirt was dry and the wind was cold

this world i thought i once loved is no longer

the smiles no longer lingered

and the hearts were no longer warm

my dreams have become skeletons of my past

as everything i thought i loved has begun to finally disappear

Maybe this is me waking

to a world that is not what i thought

this stomach turns inside out

as i finally woke with a pounding in my chest

i no longer know what to believe

as my dreams are now my world

please help me wake to the right one

Lead in arms

2011-06-24T10:26:00.000-07:00

If only looks could kill

this would be over and done with

instead just wait to go home

i tire of the smoke and tears

the sounds of pain ringing in my ears

instead we all just wait to die alone

Make sure i am delivered

2011-06-19T15:26:00.000-07:00

leave a candle lit on my chest when i die

and bury the knife with my blood remaining on the blade

let everything that i believe in never be blown away

history be read into the never forgetting sky

i smile on the inside

2011-06-12T19:01:00.001-07:00

the hands continue to turn

and i still wake up and get dressed

and crawl into bed at the end of it all

not much has really changed for me in this cave of my reality

at least when i see you smile i know its genuine

i'm glad you're happy and getting better

throw my wishes at the stars for you to have nothing but better memories

i have no problem being the martyr for you to have longer smiles

pit stomachs

2011-06-12T07:47:00.001-07:00

and rock hearts

falling all the time

but hitting bottom only once in a while

for my team

2011-06-07T09:19:00.001-07:00

i need more weight on my shoulders

this back wasn't meant for the weak

these legs not made for the ill spirited

let these dreams fly and this heart overcome

we are all flesh and bones

2011-06-05T20:10:00.000-07:00

its hard to remember

that past the words

the yells

the hugs

and the smiles

your heart beats like mine

maybe to a different beat

and your lungs fill with air

more or less

and we both burn

from love

in love

from hate

in hate

we are not really strangers

more like tourists

visiting your body with excitement and fear

taking in all the beautiful views

we are both villains

we are both heroes

we are both innocent victims

the burn of a touch

different tastes from different plates but our stomachs always fill

our souls on the other hand..................................................................

some of us don't know how to love

2011-06-05T20:09:00.000-07:00

some girls are brushing their hair

some girls are painting their lips

some girls are sleeping alone

and some girls are not

we may not get far

2011-06-05T20:05:00.000-07:00

flying circles in the dark reminds me of how i chase my youth

my innocence that i grasp so tightly

the feelings i once had but are now worn down and dull

no longer sharp as they once were at first

time passes and they collect dust

dulled blades and discolored wood

this arm is getting tired of trying to pull down the stars and sky

these legs tired of chasing after what it means to feel alive

i cant close these eyes

2011-03-25T23:55:00.000-07:00

not from sleep
not from fatigue
just that urge
that pull from the gut that says "stay the night"
not because my head isn't safe
not because i can't outrun my ghosts
when i decide to lie (or not)
and do my best to keep you here
or there
anywhere that i can at least hear you breath at peace as you sleep
a stage i am not aware of for myself
wishing to rest my own weary head
and these heavy thoughts that anchor my soul
the leaves fall and the winds change
but i stay destructive
with no real intent other than to stay sane
the only way i know how
the only way i can
times past and this heart continues to beat
despite all intent not to
these desperate times bite and chew me
and i am spat onto the side and left to dry
stuck between grime and dirt
wishes stuck between stretched lips
bring me some form of love that i can understand
anything for tonight
maybe my heart can take it
maybe my skin wont break
maybe my heartbeat wont be weak
in the end its really not about you-
its about me
and how i know what i am
the monster that lives under your bed
the demons in the attic
the skeletons in the closet
be everything that you hate- everything you are scared of,
hurt by
and ultimately want to forget.
there won't be any pictures of me to take down
as i lay cold and alone
its dark in these tombs
as i lay with open eyes
open heart
time goes by
and i wish and wish
but in the end nothing changes
and i'm forgotten but not forgiven
last breath wishes
second hand kisses
holding onto my sanity as best as i can
just pour me another
and pat me on the back
and send me off
to the deep.
to the dark.
to the unknown.
where only broken toys and unanswered hopes go.
you may think its all sad-
but its true.

and so she said.....

2011-03-25T23:44:00.001-07:00

"i'll come running"
but no footsteps really echoed through my halls
its lies and words that slowly float to the ground
only to be stomped on by both you and me
its hard when you're so cold
young skinned but hate aged so old
jumping between cracks in the street
its the ghosts in my head vs all i know
just another battlefront
constantly leaving
constantly inconsistent
this room doesn't feel like home
and i tire away trying to make myself feel more than nothing
but its all just drunken lullabies
words that are spat and not drawn on empty pages
the clock continues to tick down all the lost chances
and i stare at these feet
as they fail to move in any direction worth going to
destination unknown
ETA unknown
coming in last place has become normal
i don't even realize the pity applause
smiling in disguise
thanking but not really caring or meaning it
this act of living is just me digging until the grave is too deep
just coming undone day after day
struggling to keep this heart beating
this soul feeling
keeping these nights alive

step 1: pull your hair out with clenched fists

2010-10-28T19:07:00.001-07:00

its very easy to lose your mind.

the needles behind the eyes
the knives in the chest
this happens every. time.
keep on roaming.....
keep on roaming....
to a place where i can't reach but the picture looks normal
its empty bottle nights and cold nothing mornings
the dirt is pressed too deep in your skin
i cant keep feeding these demons
don't know if you call demons friends but thats what i have come to
death sits at the head of the table drinking quietly
just like a good guest should....
i may not wake up each day anymore
wishing for death to say good morning
but i do still miss him/her
in everyday conversation.
its not that these tired eyes hide years of misery
its that nobody can read them
its that nobody misses them
its that they just rot and rot and stare out unto nothing
and nothing stares back.

those lungs may not hold air at the right time
heart not pump enough life
hands not hang on just one moment more
and a lighter soul may leave when the sun no longer shines
these smiles could be washed away with these hard times
but these steps will march forward
.follow.forward.

sleep and death look alike

2010-10-07T20:29:00.000-07:00

its because we are all doomed to die that we can appreciate the small moments-
the smells and the sun, the rain and the water, nature etc.....
so what happens when you can't appreciate all of those small moments?
busy negotiating with angels and devils to lend me some advice
the brim of these glasses brand logged hours of futile attempts into the mush they sit on
too bad monsters can't feel too much of a good thing
thought i was always looking for love, i should have just looked in the mirror
always was better being alone....
always looking for friendship but always find themselves company at night
i dont have the liver for this kind of lifestyle....
the flame of inspiration wavering in the night wind
to tell the truth i miss the smell of her skin
i always got lost in eyes and smiles, yet never a two way street
come with a grin and leave grim
standard entry and exit protocol
i am the bottle on its side, spilling onto the floor....

i'm in love with emma watson

2010-09-20T20:08:00.001-07:00

i hate the smell of my own skin.
wanting to just get lost in drugs or sleep- whichever promises sound sweeter to me
not in a hateful way
just in a hopeful way
want to live in movie scenes and catchy hooks in the best songs
explode out of some small room in some small house in some small town in some small state
- where none of it matters or makes sense
i'm just dying on a day to day basis with no cure
would kill all the innocent just to be able to explode into your mind
feel like obsessing just to be able to get back to obsessing
i need new faces
new smiles
new memories
because the same faces and old smiles and uninteresting memories don't mean shit to me
"i could use somebody".........
i want to make the sounds that make my heart beat as hard as it does right now listening to my nightly soundtracks
this is what desperation looks like.
feels like.
smells like.
i really just want to be noticed by everyone in the world. this is my admitting i am a narcissist and meaning it
-hey, first step is admitting the problem right?
none of it made sense, but then again it never did.
still searching for the answers to questions i can't form into words.
help me.

mirror mirror on the wall

2010-09-10T21:38:00.000-07:00

its awkward when you realize someone deleted you out of their life.
kinda ironic because i do it all the time.
but when you realize that it was done, and you are pretty sure you did nothing wrong....
again, kinda ironic because i do it all the time.
and you think and think and wonder where you went wrong and fucked whatever up...
its getting less ironic because i do it all the time.
until you realize that you are just as shitty as they all said you are and you feel better.
because its really not ironic, its just you being you.

broken backs and beaten souls

2010-09-09T22:10:00.000-07:00

its old fingerprints on warm glasses (half full/ half empty)
the pounding ache of the same morning sun (each day)
its the same look you get from the clock every afternoon
just another drive home
look up at the sky for once and cry out "bring me home"
i'll start running now.
its wishful dead eyes that stay glued to moving pictures of far away places that promise better everythings
borrowed and used breaths that lift these legs and arms everyday
running on reserve
what happens when it runs out......
just realizing now that all the punches i threw were at myself
falling in love was really just falling out of touch
falling for you was just falling to the bottom
this view of watching you leave is too familiar
and happens way too often.
"you can't save them all"
knowing she thinks of me less and less.....
been roaming around far too long
forgot what i was searching for
rather roam with one hand holding yours
trace the outlines of your voice but really- i don't know the first thing about this

broken hearted hoover fixer upper guy

2010-05-24T19:55:00.000-07:00

all these needles pick and pick
dig dig dig
searching for an open valve
all these knives pick and pick
dig dig dig
searching for an open smile
empty, everything feels empty. the empty space next to me that seems to follow me everywhere.
its hard when you're a monster.
letting myself look and punch the mirror for the first time in quite some time.
crossed the finish line- but whats after that?
haven't felt this heart beat in years.
don't know if thats good or bad.....
haven't felt warmth in years.
the awkward touch of care
the feigned and forced smiles and laughs
oh wait......
someday. someday. someday the monster will get a break.
dont know the form of it, but the monster will feel good someday. absolute good. true smiles.
allowed to bask in the sun, allowed to feel that warm breeze that uplifts happy memories.
i was born to be the bad example of what to not follow or be.
(we all have a purpose.)
finally found the switch to turn it all off.
don't know if thats good or bad.......
some things just can't be fixed.
threw a line to death today, just to catch up on old times.
"remember back in the day?"
even though it may not know how to beat in happiness, this heart still thuds a beat to a sad song.
it just feels too normal to be sad...
realizing now that i never lost love because you can't lose what you didn't have.
realizing now that i never missed love because you can't miss something you never had to begin with.
too many cliches make up my smile.
i'm pretty sure this all still only makes sense to this head.
discovering from the ruins and wreckage that its not a broken heart that stems all the problems
it was just not knowing any better.
some people were meant to be the stepping foot rest for others.
i can beg and plead and bargain and desperately give this dirty trashed heart and crooked smile but it never really makes it difficult to leave.
"please don't go"
one day........one day.......the numbers will eventually turn the other way
this is how miracles happen.
ever wonder what would happen if the sun shone brighter?
pierced and cut through the rain that constantly pours on this head
rain rain go away
the cold days
the quiet days
the lonely days
never found an escape to it all
left broken with cheap skylines
its ok. but not really.
just leave.
i would.
i don't blame you.

with all the words you say

2009-12-27T22:11:00.000-08:00

its between the smiles and the blank stares that it exists
that small feeling of everything and nothing at the same time
the slender looks and the dirty things that i feel when i look at you.
its a catalyst for the end(ing).
constantly in chaos
in terror
in confusion
this feeling is nothing more but a packaged over the counter pill that i take every day
one in the morning
one in the evening
just to keep this running strong, even if i dont like it- just because its familiar
forgot where to plug back in
reconnect
restart
reconnect
restart
never get past point C, just repeat and fumble at B
it would be so much easier to spill it all over the walkway
all over the road
just to get it all out.
violent nights with too much alcohol
punches that bruise and break everything including me
i'm at war with myself and i am losing.

been due for a miracle

2009-12-18T00:15:00.000-08:00

i just want to empty everything
i tire of the hate
the emptiness
the want/ need to quench my thirst for revenge
of all the annoying little quirks that noone does or ever will understand- not even me
These ghosts never leave, and the door is always open for the demons of my past
no matter how hard i try to close it.
this is war- through and through.
keep on going with the pep talks, but i'm still just a slave
keep refilling the jar with rage, hoping that this time it will break (thiscycle)
its in these dark hours of defeat, that i lose sense of purpose and will
that i still cant kill whats inside me
still cant run
still cant hide
they always find me no matter how hard i try
dear doctor: please operate and take it all out
The black, the vile, the filth
theres too much and i dont know what to do with it
i am pathedic and weak, and i want you to know this but not know this at the same time.
maybe i am bipolar.....
but regardless- i'm too stubborn to find the cure
would rather burn away in ignorance in hopes that someone saves me
too proud to beg
too stupid to ask for help
why are you always right?
this head is filled with tangled webs
and i lay awake hoping that my eyes fall out
along with my brain
my mind
my thoughts
my soul.
would rather find another to start over
"Wish i could hate you half as much as i hate myself"
never been more the truth
with a side of "wish you died tonight, so i could go to sleep happy"
i want nothing more from this life than to end it.

About to burst at the seams

2009-11-24T20:54:00.001-08:00

and i just want to be caught and not let splattered on the floor
can't repair myself with broken pieces- glued and taped for a 6 year old's project
eyes widen
mouth dry
parched lips
goosebumps and butterflies
almost alive for the first time in a while
cash in all my secrets
leave me with an empty pocket or two
decisions decisions.......
almost wished i smoked- lighting and discarding lights like dreams and thoughts
friends/ lovers
just another pack for another 10
smile at that smile
though while fleeting
eyes down
mouth shut
hands in pockets
empty handed
standing
waiting
another minute turns into another hour
oh how the arm of fate swings- up and down with the wind
either have the materials or the motivation
neither both at the same time

And so the page turns

2009-11-10T22:19:00.001-08:00

Moved a mountain from the past. only 100 more to go....
feel accomplished but haunted
reliving the past is too tempting to fall back into the ease of what it used to be
one foot in front of another....one foot in front of another.....
thinking of all the wrong thoughts again, just like the past
slothful and broken- its just being easy in more ways than one
its the eyes
its the smile
its all the above
its the warmth of remembering the good times and trying to forget the bad times
hard to think of darkness when your smiling in the sun
rewind to staring outside of windows, foot on gas trying to drive away from the pain
round back to sipping the drink by yourself in the booth
its hard to tell you this/ its hard to say anything at all
fast forward to a different smile
to different eyes
to a different touch that brings on a new season with the same shakes
a new set of lips that taste of maybe better times....
eyes drip with wariness
rest....rest....rest......
it was always better just smiling and laughing around her
left with only whiskey and regrets
sipping away to kill everything inside, toast to the memories
sympathetic glances and pitiful hugs, this rounds on me
i just want to live in this memory forever.

say that there is change in the wind

2009-11-07T21:04:00.000-08:00

that there are tides that will come wipe out this plague of monotony and negativity
when the light will pierce the darkness
move clouds and climb mountains-
i cant take it anymore.
i could sit here in kitchens and living rooms with drink in hand
waiting for a miracle to come change the day, flip the pages until it rips
but the road begs to take, grasp with both hands and fucking let it go.
tell all the girls that call after- that the chance came and went
tell all the mistakes that caught up- they deserved the prize after that kind of run
tell all the missed opportunities- they were right and i was wrong
cutting myself to ribbons over time
flesh and bone can only last for so long
i need an escape.
i need to escape.
fell in love with all the stars in the sky- the night took me in
its so hard to tell you this- its all (sad but) true
instead i am forced to open these eyes and endure another day of missed opportunities and mistakes
we can only float for so long.

returning of the storm

2009-10-05T20:38:00.000-07:00

an extended hand that shoots out of the waves.
desperate and pale- reaching for anything for hope
right hand holding a knife underwater......
if i'm going down, i'm taking you with me...
"if i can't live happy, i'm taking you with me...."
forgotten but not forgiven for once
funny how it all works out in the end
funny how just a few words can puncture a hole
funny how i still feel like this
funny that these feelings can still surface
i've fucked up and wronged too many times to trust the same hand with the same plea
but i still question every move i make...
this all leads to anger and hate- a cycle i'm tired of repeating
repeating repeater: "pull the trigger and the nightmare stops"

fuck you for making me into this monster.

thin lines and white lies

2009-09-24T07:07:00.000-07:00

bones that are too brittle and weak.
holding your face makes me realize that you are just as fragile as the next.
standing alone- strong and silent but broken
late night drives into light poles and ditches
this doesnt get any easier

couldnt be fancy in black and white if i tried

2009-08-26T18:38:00.000-07:00

push the noise up to 10. i want to feel the pulse beat through my skull and pound these thoughts to a smashed piece of broken bad art.
its like holding onto a 20 and betting 40. pressing repeat just to hear the intro over and over.
never move on to the chorus....
always had more talent at playing dead than potential at being alive
its like realizing summer is over in two days, or realizing that i like how you smile and laugh.
the verse sounds how you move, how you walk to pick up the pieces of my life that is scattered over the road
is this real? or is it just to pass the time.....
like a mechanical arm, drink drink drink....
its just too easy to die inside
been feeling more and more like a worn piece of wood than a classy piece
waiting to see how distance wears this down
is it actually loneliness?
is it boredom?
is it actually compassion?
that feeling of when our mouths do things they shouldnt
whether it be word or kiss
pushing good or bad intentions past the lips
its always before and after vs the what ifs
these moments, its always these moments when i realize that you are more than just a time occupier- you are what makes the song shine so bright
what makes the strings dance and pull and eventually break
if only i could be new again, this slate is dirty and needs to be replaced
kind of wish noone remembered me
kind of wish i could turn the self hate off
kind of wish that i didn't kind of wish so much
you would think control would come with age.
the first step is always admitting the problem.......

this burn is getting too familiar

2009-08-08T22:23:00.000-07:00

stare across the room-
if only i could kill with a glance.....
i would become the world's greatest killer. put ted bundy to shame.
jack the ripper would look like a warm up compared to me.
they would call me the population control device.
wearing my heart on my sleeve is out of fashion, just a show of poor taste
slowly learning how things were/are after the reset button is pressed
keep pushing it until the problem goes away.
but it doesnt.
the shared glances that both people understand but dont want to
like being a survivor of the Holocaust, only you get it but why would you want to? price is too high
still trying to empty the baggage, all ports still closed

if you could just understand

2009-07-29T21:53:00.000-07:00

for some reason the night goes on and never ends
just getting more desperate by the minute
its an ugly truth
trying to be better but its like retaking tests until you score high enough to be ok with it
almost want to hear you say something sweet so i can get by.....
- already know the scene that road leads to.
every path is dark and covered with growth, kind of foreboding but only in the worst way

The time has come

2009-07-15T22:06:00.000-07:00

the dawn brings realization of how to win the war.
starting to think that i do it for the thrills, not for an actual positive outcome, been down and out enough to finally see through it all. Your just a postcard away but in reality there is no way to reach you.
cut myself open and spill myself inside out for you to see the truth.
panic.
this race is getting older than nascar left turns on a lazy saturday
calm and content, calmly losing control...
eyes burnt out and coated with dust and dirt, the grime from the endless nights that never relinquish enough escapism in sleep.
say that we are never alone, but you know its not true before you even say it.
just craze and start slicing ribbons off of your wrists- speed up the process.
holding onto grudges tighter than lovers
if only you weren't so predictable.
put it onto slow motion while i fall from the sky
she smiles as if she understands
she looks as if we are on the same page
we will never coexist peacefully
lions and tigers in cages- only a little bit more civilized
still searching for all that i lost- lost and found is nowhere to be seen
hunting for the treasure chest.......
this map is old and tattered and hard to read

where disappointment and regret collide....

2009-06-23T22:25:00.000-07:00

its just a timeline.
another mark on the clock till we run out of breath and willpower, we die and rot until its just marrow and dirt. eternal peace.
i hope they dont keep records in the afterlife.
i hope they dont keep records in my current life.
silence me forever more, the distance between me and the rest of the world is enough to make me dive off of cliffs and waterfalls to try to capture that feeling of everything and nothing at the same time.
you would think being close to someone else would remedy this, but it only makes you realize that you are eternally fucked and screwed.
you can pretend to get it but you dont. you wont.
put me in a room with stars for ceilings and oceans for floors, green mountains and hills for walls and perfect crisp air to breath. watch me lose myself in myself.
360 degrees of eternal bliss, you say dont worry but truthfully i just want to sleep forever. never lost that want to just be disconnected, never plugged in to begin with.
eternally happy, eternally forgotten, eternally lost.
rewind the clock to ten years ago.
make the right choices. life the right life. be better than now.
instead i'm slurring begs and pleas to come back with me, stay with me and let me smell that familiar smell i miss so much but refuse to acknowledge because i'm too stubborn and proud (less) to admit.
love enough to let go.
care enough to not be selfish.
think outside the box.
the numbness from the beer, the burn of the whiskey, the elation from the wine-
search for an escape, bu the light only leads to another tunnel.
never the exit.
fall for the shimmering water and trees one too many times.
try to type, try to bleed, try to sweat, try to cry yourself out of this, but you just tire everyone of yourself.
the truth of the story ending- no longer easy on eyes, no longer easy on eyes, no longer easy on hearts.
turn me away to darkness. this is a bargaining chip and a plea at the same time.
save me from myself.
keep me from the masses. let me live in those moments of hollywood kisses and romantic music scenes.
despite everything from the sun to the moon, the smiles to the tears, my face to the mirror. survive on the gasps of emotion.
starve, starve, starving.....
there is no cure. there is no solution. this is a never ending problem that no professional can solve.
just let the cancer run its course, eat away your insides.

wide eyed, open mouthed

2009-06-05T21:47:00.000-07:00

wishing on broken stars
falling from the sky as they fall apart in front of my very eyes
this is not constructive behavior.

closed eyes

2009-05-30T22:02:00.000-07:00

squeeze hard enough to block out the truth.
the truth that no matter how hard you try, people will still fail you.
you will be let down.
(this is not a pick me up)
the enduring hours that take up minutes of precious hope and optimism, nobody really gets it.
too bad we cant all just admit we are similarly confused.
there is no end in sight to this race that does not end until our legs are turned into mushy pulps of bones and flesh. the grueling existence of trying to live life in the moments worth keeping.
live in a past that is spotted with glimmers of sunlight.
live in a world that is going to boil us to death. slowly getting hotter until before we know it, our brains explode in our skulls.

this was all written long ago

2009-05-11T22:09:00.001-07:00

these eyes that drip sleep and crust with dreams.
tracing the veins up legs and down arms.
smooth backs and smoother lips.
this is the moment when you realize its not love, its familiarity.
the smell of her hair that sticks to pillows, the smile in the voice, the holding of hands, the laugh on the other end-
call it love. call it a soul mate. call it a best friend.
but its familiarity.
what if the pretense of the romantic relationship was cut out, and it was just the connection of mind and body?
stare hard enough at her skin to realize its just like yours. just as damaged, used, and wanting of a warm body next to it.
dear reader: find me.

mistakes

2009-04-28T21:30:00.000-07:00

are all that i can think of. No matter how bright the sun glows in our faces, its the stumbles, trips, falls, and ultimately you i hurt. But at this point i think you have been hurt by me so many times, you dont even feel it.
i think that i-
i know that i want to know that you still cry at night. hopefully because of me.
While you lay there, thinking of your day so your thoughts dont drift down....
every time your stomach knots, i hope its because of me.
every time you ache, i hope its because of me.
i am the scar that never fully healed.
I am the scab that left a mark.
i am the bile and acid that brews inside until you spew it out in hopes to empty it all.
(i say this because i know it all. i know i am)
it was, and always will be a love hate relationship with me and myself. with me and you. with me and this.
there are no surprises here.
maybe if i stare deep enough, i can see how dirty you really are. see past the smile, the eyes, everything that makes you irresistible.
The results should justify me wanting to fuck you and leave you in a used dirty heap.
maybe its bipolar disorder.
maybe its depression.
maybe its anger issues.
maybe its living life.
I miss the old familiarity. I miss the comfort of that happy smile.
but all it takes is a few bad thoughts, a few bad memories and its all gone into ugly dark corners.
where morals get stripped away, and we just do what we want and can to get out alive.
Its so hard to go at it alone.
if i could hold those memories maybe i wouldnt even bother.
its the same predicament as opening pandora's box.
i want to skip over the past, and all the shitty things i have done. but i dont know how.
hang my soul out to dry.
please tell me you understand.
please tell me you can make sense out of all this.

no matter how hard you try

2009-03-18T12:40:00.000-07:00

hitting rock bottom is never as satisfying as it should be.
losing it all is never as satisfying as it should be.
killing my insides so i can try to get rid of these feelings is never as satisfying as it should be.
killing my outside so i can finally see the monster i am underneath is never as satisfying as it should be.

.

Awaiting execution at dawn

2009-02-24T20:38:00.000-08:00

He knows it is coming.
The bullet. The axe. The noose. The electrical currents. The surging poison in his veins.
And everything is out of his control. There is nothing he can say or do to stop the end.
Conclusions aren't always for the better.
No amount of tears can stop the verdict. No pleading, no mercy.
Wishing to not give up while at the same time realizing that resistance is pointless, he quietly asks for a smoke (he hates smoking) probably just for the cliche.
He asks for a beer.
Sitting on the floor with a smoke in one hand, a beer in the other, he stares out into space.
left side: end it now
right side: maybe living is worth it
being hopelessly adrift among his thoughts, it was all going to hell.
he knows it is coming
maybe it won't be painful. like all the people in the world, all the broken toys that just keep trying to have someone play with them.
mouths and legs and hands and shoulders and backs- sale 50% off.
finding company only with late nights and one's insanity.
ever feel dead but still alive?

couldnt break through the concrete

2009-01-29T22:28:00.000-08:00

while the city still pounded out clouds of inspiration stealing smog. its a matter of walking through dreams and living them.
its in this moment when you know that all you want is the vile and filth. the dirty part of the love.
tossing and turning in sheets that dont smell of you.
its really just a waste.
her eyes so big and lips that beg to kiss
i wish i had the skills to collect
tried to write out my love, instead i made a mess.
love and lust come from the same hormones- they really are just the same thing
sitting here in the dark, its my move that takes me where i shouldn't go
the ball is in my court and i have no coordination
buy one lie and get the deluxe triple set for free- a 40$ value for free
keep my eyes closed as we crash with me in the passenger seat
feel the cool sand shift as i stare out at the dark black sea
blackening everything the night sky can offer, look to the stars and wish as they fade
choke on how you look when my hope looks so bleak
i'm tired of hanging on each and every word you speak

wasted 20 to fill the crazy

2009-01-01T22:37:00.000-08:00

chasing my tail in circles gets old fast.
air pressure closing off the blood to your ears as the throbbing pain just gets bigger and bigger. sing about clarity and the secret to life but really its just a whole bunch of what ifs and could haves.
dreams sink faster than you think.
little pills that cant promise enough, half empty bottles that cant last long enough, smokes that burn out faster than hopes and dreams. need more proof? time goes by but really its just life

stuck between the feeling of me and you

2008-12-19T21:32:00.000-08:00

running low on prescriptions of how to keep you out of my head. but instead i'm just getting addicted to the feeling of you.
loving how the taste of your name just rolls off. shining that smile that just gets too far in.
remember how i touched your hand and (we) didn't pull away?
close my eyes, wish on thighs and lies.
bat those eyes that get everyone wet. (this only makes sense to me and my left hand)
suicide thoughts with matching kisses on arms and legs::::::scrambling for matches to light the flames====the fame
7 minutes in heaven is better than 4 minutes in heaven. take what you can and leave with what you can take.
i can only stay sick in the head for so long until they find a cure.

the room chokes

2008-11-28T08:38:00.000-08:00

as the smell of death rots everyone's noses. The stench of hearts that can no longer beat, the smell of skin that can no longer hold, veins that can no longer pump blood. Now he stands there and looks around at those who wait for death. if only he could save them........

has it ever occurred to you when you will die?

2008-11-14T12:11:00.000-08:00

you need to give it all up before you can give it all away. whats the point of giving away something then still missing it?
lost and confused, repeating themes that shouldnt be a surprise
its been years and ages since iv been driven to insomnia by my own madness.
pounding out the insanity until i thought i got it all.
still think i did.......
but who knows, relapsing is what i'm all about, just ask my dogs
starving and bleeding myself to hit rock bottom just to get that feeling back of writing and feeling more like a human.
sitting in corners, sipping on a drink that burns and kills.
running tongue over numb lips, fingering the ashtray.
this is my retirement plan.
saving up to just be a perfect mess.

cant shake old habits

2008-11-03T13:04:00.001-08:00

and i'll just blame myself. too much hate to go around, you always end up just hating yourself in the end. fuck watching my life pass me by.

sloppy love

2008-09-21T21:31:00.000-07:00

dont let this one get away.....
dirty and damaged. this heart burns to be close to your body. simple and not that confusing.
this is me putting you up onto a pedestal that i should not build.
but oh boy do i love making mistakes. especially when it comes to handling my private life.
like a moth to a flame, say over and over "this is not a good idea" but let the butterflies search for a way out of my stomach.
frozen fingertips, lonely sips, it sure does feel like the appropriate season. the weight on this back matches the weight in my chest. pound for pound that pulls to kiss the ground when i see your face.
i forgot how good pretty smiles can cure all. (think)
dont let this one get away......
but its all bullshit nonsense, an open debate for reason on the floor goes on for hours to days. i can tell just by your eyes that i'm going to be down with my head on the bar.
rather "sin then spend the night all alone"
she makes me feel alive and dead at the same time.

growing up.....

2008-08-18T21:45:00.001-07:00

i want to purge and vomit all that is infected with feelings from you. i want to see all of my insides- all black and dark red blood on the floor pumping out last second breaths until all of my mistakes and flaws in character are gone.
sometimes you can never erase the bad that you have done. no matter how hard you try.
but fuck it, im still trying

and now it seems

2008-08-07T21:48:00.001-07:00

that my past is starting to catch up with me. all of my mistakes, lies, and bad deals are going to be reaped.
time to burn in the flames...

night by night, day by day

2008-07-10T22:04:00.000-07:00

i'm living in the records i love.
i wish you were dead.

always catching myself before i fall

2008-06-23T21:16:00.000-07:00

its been awhile since i've wanted an excuse for the abuse. busy feeling sorry for your future cause i 've been reading palms that speak of lost chances and regrets. nights spent looking back as the cluster of night's thoughts keep you awake.
i'm one of jersey's best dancers. and noone can save her.
sleeping trouble sleep and this head wont empty.
baby, arm those words cause their the only shot you got against me, dont pretend cause you know

bitter pills and over medicated nights

2008-06-04T22:08:00.000-07:00

that feeling that everything is going wrong fills my head with thoughts of rights and wrongs. and i choose the wrongs. the ones i hope are the right way out but end up just being the selfish ones. It still bothers me to be hung up on the same problems that i had months ago, the same faults that still plague me from years ago. Walking tall thinking i understand life friends and family. i guess i really dont know shit but i'll keep telling myself i do and i'll act accordingly. dont panic, this is just me setting up to say another "fuck you" to whoever crosses my sights. i think i just need to be punched in the face. Keep repeating "i'm invincible" over and over until my legs give in and i burn out. looking out the window all i see are question marks and landmarks that show my territory of mistakes and discoveries from a youth that shouldnt have been as fucked up as i made it. nights are easier to get by when you have wine in one hand, a guitar in the other. numb, happy, everything makes sense. id rather be at school, or anywhere i could just play as hard as possible. and yeah you wanna set things right and ok between us, and they al(ways)l do. guess its not as fun when the bluff is called.
still waiting on the blood to pump in my temples

cause if you really care

2008-05-27T21:05:00.000-07:00

than you take the hit. even if it breaks your heart.
are you waiting for your real life to begin? so am i. poised at the edge of the world just tempted to leap and see where i land.
this is a story about feeling bad and feeling better. late night searches and early morning hunts for the feeling of being alive. all the minutes and hours in between are just ticking moments of sucking on air to try to turn this animated corpse into something that isnt too pale. each look telling of other people's lips, and hey; i'm just as guilty. Three smashes of the hammer echo through this room of "guilty, guilty, guilty". and yeah go ahead and bet that things would get better, but i'm too bitter and your too gutless. The charade is over, this disguise is too difficult to hold up. Id rather wait for blood to pump through my head and throb these eyes back into reality.
id rather wish i never heard your voice.
a showcase full of bruised trophies of lessons learned the hard way.

dried up well

2008-05-20T22:05:00.000-07:00

of inspiration. of words. the weight of this block around my neck gets heavier everytime i see a pen and paper. everytime i see blank screen. makes me want to see if i can sink to the bottom of the ocean...
what the hell was i ever thinking.....used to care but nowadays its just what gets me by on a 24 hour watch. neither alive or dead. one day i'm a wreck, the next day i'm doing fine. stop flipping the switch in my head before i rip it out and throw it through your window. nothing makes me smile more than thinking about slashing your tires and smashing your windows, pissing on your doorstep (where eagles dare to swallow whole). haha.

and this city sleeps....

2008-05-03T22:09:00.001-07:00

and robs everything that you think of at night. its not your friend, its the one who smiles and then scowls the second you turn your back. each minute is given and taken away at the most specific of moments to ruin your chances of taking control of the full potential of the situation. either you win or you lose.

2008-04-20T14:32:00.000-07:00

i've been told the good die young. no prisoners, no mercy.
say anything that makes sense for young ears that lead confused heads astray.
fuck you and burn in hell. my room is already reserved

and the clock chimes and the bells ring

2008-04-06T19:53:00.001-07:00

time is over done and out. YOU are overdone.
you are too empty and i just feel flawed every time i use you. you bend easier than the rules and you break faster than a little child's heart.
i almost feel bad.
give me anger. give me hate. give me irritability. give me something that shows passion, because every time i see you, you show nothing.
but the fire flashes in those eyes.
bat me those sickly eyes that shower me with a history of conflict. because in this crowded room, its only me and you darling, its only me and you who know of the battles these demons fight.
sing me the baby blues to your emerald greens

the contest to finger fuck her innocence away
its a fight i hate fighting but i just wanna win baby
why cant you see how completely fucked and twisted of a human being i am? not all flash and smoke but all vomit and shit. yeah the machine is broken and old, and its fucking beat to hell but at least sympathize, sympathize because if you don't, then you will end up just like it, broken and alone wishing for a second chance to not become a fuck up of yourself. The last puppy alone in the shelter, the last orphan who sleeps in a room of strangers, the last lonely "used for sale" car in the lot, the last christmas tree that no one wants because it is too fucked up and not perfect enough. never perfect enough, never good enough, only enough to be singled out for the last pick. yeah i fucking hate you and i wish you never looked at me the way you did, but i still dream about how your smile looks at late hours

they take take take cause you give give give

2008-03-22T20:56:00.000-07:00

this is me speeding up your breathing
i stare "if i kiss your neck would you....."
she stares "slit your throat"
will you let this hurt? so forget all the looks and all the words, three pair up and high card down, its jealousy thats shining in my smile
her eyes are raccoon underneath the makeup, its so much easier to watch you die all night
for some reason the memory of you always stays, locked up fermented and it stays for days
i dreamed i fell out of the sky thousands of feet in the air, it felt righteous and more alive than how i rot on a daily basis as my head was filled with thoughts of how i'll land on what body part of just how badly will it explode causing a mess no one wants to or should have to clean and oh i cant wish on you anymore when you just let me down and why does the sun always rise at the worst times? never on the other side of town but instead in my goddamn window. in my goddamn window. "I loved the first few days But it's not fun playing a game You always lose"
instead of your lips i think of his
tracing the curves that make your outline
stabbing and taking with every kiss (im so sick and fucking tired of writing about this)

daydreaming into nightmares that involve you and your dress, the way your shirt slides off your shoulders....i'm a mess.

this would be easier if you died

2008-03-16T21:20:00.000-07:00

its like looking at a gun that is pointed at your face.
apprehension.
the anxiety of wanting that trigger to just finally be pulled.
she gives headaches and heartaches like its her job. an expert at fucking up your day.
the machines whir and turn until they burn out from exhaustion. do you enjoy killing everyday?
of course you do.
assholes always finish first.

flower kings

2008-03-15T20:47:00.001-07:00

and condom queens. one loves to smile the other loves to be mean.
she is what firing squad victims think of before they take that last inhale.
she is how light bulbs feel before they burn out.

you wake up at 630. way too fucking early. grab the clock just to make sure you have another good excuse to be miserable. way to start the day kid

and here starts another life

2008-03-12T21:42:00.000-07:00

if you have found this, then i feel sorry for you.
not enough to apologize sincerely.
but enough to show some empathy. either from boredom or severe hunting, you have found this.

dear reader: prepare to be mind fucked.

p.s.-i'm not writing this to touch up on english skills, nor is this shit written for your enjoyment, maybe this is me just jumping on the blogging bandwagon. Fame for me vomiting thoughts on the daily mundane fuckover that is life on this shitty planet full of shitty people.

1244 and all i'm counting are the lights from this city. shining like hopes and dreams, just waiting to become burnt out. ever want to rip out your brain and slam it on the table and just yell at it, "why are you so fucking crazy?!"
everyday.
hang all of your flaws out to dry so you can study them and fix them. but fuck being perfect, and fuck being fairy tale happy.
what ever happened to the beauty.....before she traded it in for bad memories.

yes i could rant day in and day out about how you all suck at life and how none of you are ready or good enough, just because we are not born ready or good enough. about how i believe that humans are inherently evil and selfish, and how nobody acts their age.
but i barely follow what i preach, so i cant go down that road.
i could rant all night about heartbreak and happiness and all that matters is love and blahblahblah. how she broke my little heart and now i'm hurt over it.
but i write enough about that bullshit in other places.
so i guess i'm just saying, enjoy whatever shit i end up finding to say on this blog.

if you even care to read every battered word i type.